To Live Again Read online

  I already know who it is, so I just answer with, “What?”

  “Shit, Chloe, are you PMS’ing today. You bit my head off this morning and now I can’t get a decent hello out of you.”

  “Madison, I knew it was you…”

  “So that makes it all better, you knew it was me, so you think you can let bitch Chloe out to play? I am going to hang up the phone, Chloe Isabella, and then we are going to try this again!”

  “Yes, mom” I grumble below my breath.

  “Did you say something, Chloe?”

  I can almost hear the smile in my best friend’s voice. Before I can answer, she hangs up and then my phone is ringing again. So I play her game and answer with sugary sweetness dripping from my voice.

  “Hello, my best friend, how are you on this lovely day?”

  Madison huffs into the phone, “Oh, good lord, why do I even try with you?”

  Since I know her very well, I know she is her rolling her eyes. I often tell her that one day it is going to stick and then she will have to walk around with only the whites of her eyes showing.

  Moving on to the important stuff, she asks, “Where are you? I’m ready to get my Chipotle on.”

  Cutting her off, I tell her, “See you in a bit in the parking lot. Oh, by the way, someone is going to lunch with us. His name…” At this point, I’m pretty sure my eardrum has just been pierced with her screaming.

  “HIS…DID YOU SAY HIS? OH MY GOD, YOU TALKED TO A GUY AND HE IS GOING TO LUNCH WITH US!”

  Well, here comes the nausea again and I know I have to get control of this or lunch is going to be unbearable.

  “Madison, he is my study partner and that’s it. If you are going to be inappropriate, you aren’t going.”

  What am I thinking, of course she is going to be inappropriate. “Look, I will see you in a minute, but if you embarrass me, then you cannot imagine the hell I am going to unleash on you!”

  At this point, she just laughs. Instead of taking me seriously, she laughs at me. I try not to laugh, too, because I want her to know I’m really emphatic on him just being a study partner, but I can’t hold it in. I laugh with her and say, “Just wait until you see him; that’s all I am going to say. See you in a minute.”

  Hanging up, I walk to the parking lot where I see Madison waiting at my car.

  When I reach her, she suddenly elbows me and asks, “Do you see what is heading toward us? Twins…very hot twins…oh my, I think I need some panty-liners!”

  Uh, did I mention she is inappropriate? And that she has an unhealthy obsessive twin fantasy? Looking up, I think I am seeing double. No, it’s Jayson and another Jayson…oh Jesus, really? So God hates me so much that He isn’t going to just torment me with only Jayson, He made two of them just to mess with me. I bet Jesus is thinking, “See Chloe, I didn’t just make one, I made two because I want you to constantly be reminded of what you can’t have.” I think I need therapy. Now in my messed up head, I have the savior of the world after me. Wouldn’t a therapist like to get ahold of these thoughts?

  Before my very vivid imagination moves on to what a shrink would think of this, the smoking Doublemint twins arrive. As soon as he reaches me, Jayson leans down and hugs me. I instantly freeze up and I know he can tell. He immediately steps away from me; he is smiling, although it looks a bit forced.

  He says, “Hey Chloe, I hope you don’t mind that my brother is going with us.”

  Right then, Madison says, “I’m Madison, the best friend, and I could use a hug, too…from you both…at the same time.”

  Jayson #2 looks really happy about this and I roll my eyes while they scoop her up and hug her. Of course, since they are decent human beings, they just laugh and hug her separately. Thank God, because if they hugged her up in a love sandwich, I would have opened up a can of whoop ass on her with the likes that have never been seen before.

  “Madison, can you get out of heat for a second while we make plans to eat? And I would like to meet Jayson #2,”

  I snap my mouth shut. Oh my God, did I just call him Jayson #2 out loud? See, this is why I didn’t want her here! My face feels like it is on fire while they all laugh, and like the sweet guy I can tell he is, Jayson just says, “This is my brother, Connor.”

  Of course, as soon as #2 opens his mouth, I can tell who the player is. He winks and says, “I’m Connor, I’m older by 8 minutes, and I’m better looking. So who wants to ride with me?”

  Yeah, I'm not riding with him, but I know who is. And without even looking, I know Madison is about to make her play. I roll my eyes while she bats her lashes at him and says, “I will, handsome.”

  Really? Who says stuff like that? Man, maybe I am PMS’ing; I am the queen of snarkiness today. So I bury Queen Snarky and say in a sweet voice, “I’m riding with Jayson; see y’all there.”

  I see a gorgeous smile instantly come across his face and as he opens the door for me, I look into his green eyes, and melt. Well, that didn’t take long at all for my traitorous mind to rebel against the decision I made during class about him. Just one look…I’m so easy.

  Chapter Six

  Jayson

  Opening the door to my truck for Chloe, I’m sort of surprised that she volunteered to ride with me first. I figured I didn’t have a chance in hell when I saw her friend was going with us. For once I am thankful for Connor’s player ass or Madison might have derailed everything.

  As I’m helping her into the truck, Chloe looks up at me, and when I see the look on her face, I start to think I might have a chance with her after all. I walk back around to the driver’s side thinking I’m in deep and I’ve only known her for a couple of hours. It scares me that I feel so strongly towards her in such a short time, but I can’t quit grinning, so I’m just going to go with it. I haven’t felt this happy in a very long time.

  Getting on Interstate 59 is a bitch and I’m having a hard time concentrating because Chloe keeps looking at me and licking her lips. I wish to hell that she would quit because my pants are starting to get tight and I really don’t want to look like a perv on our first somewhat date. Actually, I think it’s a nervous habit and not her trying to be seductive, but whatever it is, it’s working on me.

  Trying to get my mind out of the gutter, I ask what music she likes to listen to. She says Pop, R&B, & Country, so I turn on my usual station and crank the Country music up. She starts singing under her breath like she doesn’t really want to be heard. I don’t know if it’s because she has a bad voice or she’s just shy. Just when I think she probably can’t sing, Lady Antebellum’s song “Just a Kiss” comes on and she lets loose.

  I sit there in shock because her voice sounds like an angel. I want to compliment her, but I don’t want her to stop singing to answer me, so I just listen and drive. When the song is over, I can’t think of anything to say, and the silence begins to get uncomfortable. Fortunately, we pull up to Chipotle, and I have a great idea.

  Looking at her profile, I say, “Chloe, there is a karaoke bar near campus. Would you be interested in going with me? Connor and I go at least once every couple of weeks.”

  She immediately blushes, but says yes. Man, she’s gorgeous when she blushes. I see that her cheeks and neck are red and I wonder how far that blush actually goes. Ok, douchebag, lock down on the dirty thoughts…this girl is better than that. Obviously I’m very attracted to her, but I don’t want this to be only something physical that doesn’t last. I try not to think any further than that because I’m scaring myself with the intensity of my feelings. And something tells me that if she knew what I was thinking, she would be gone before the end of our study date.

  Connor and Madison pull up behind us and park. I can hear that they are already arguing, which is Connor’s own weird brand of foreplay. Madison walks ahead of Connor and I see my brother is watching her hips swing back and forth. He looks somewhat shell-shocked and I wonder if we don’t have matching looks on our face.

  I hope he knows what he is doing because if he doe
s his usual fuck and dump routine with her, I’m going to kick his ass. I can tell Chloe and Madison are attached at the hip and when someone hurts one, it will hurt the other. I decide I need to do a little damage control before this goes too far.

  We get in line behind the girls and I tap Connor on the back. “Hey, be careful with Madison. Don’t do your usual routine with her.”

  Connor has the decency to look a little ashamed, but reverts back to his old self right away; he slaps me on the back and then winks. He leans in and says, “I’m not changing my system for some new chick, no matter how hot she is. You know I don’t do repeats.”

  Man, we might be twins and really close, but sometimes I just want to kick his ass when he spouts that shit. Not that I can throw stones because I am a normal guy and I’ve got plenty of experience. But hitting and quitting is no longer my style, especially as of a few hours ago. I may be the only college age guy thinking about settling down soon, but that’s me…no apologies. I tell myself that Connor must have been dropped on his head when he was a baby because we are so different when it comes to certain things. Right before I can slap him across the back of the head, he leans in again, but this time he says not to worry, he likes Madison, but just wants to be her friend. Watching my brother watch Madison, I laugh to myself. They will probably end up happily married with 5 kids.

  I don’t know why I’m wasting my time on Connor and Madison, because now Chloe is up at the counter and this Latino guy is flirting with her and calling her his mamacita. In my mind, I am rolling my eyes because how cliché can he be? What the hell? Now he’s hugging her and Madison and as his hands move down their backs, I immediately step right up to them.

  Chloe sees me and introduces us. “Jayson, this is Carlos, our favorite employee at Chipotle.”

  He kisses her temple and I want to ask him if he has a death wish. Just then, Carlos looks at me and says, “Honey, you are one big slice of man meat…do you have a man?”

  Everyone laughs and my asshole brother says, “No he doesn’t, but he is looking.”

  Carlos leans toward me and I realize that he believes what Connor is saying. I glare at my brother and though I don’t want to be a prick to Carlos, I immediately tell him that I do not swing that way. To get back at my brother, I whisper to him that Connor bleeds rainbows and is fair game. My brother looks severely panicked as Carlos grabs his ass, but sibling rivalry is alive and well, and he started it. Mature, I know! I put it out of my mind and move to follow my girl to a seat. And this time, when I think of her as my girl, I’m not even scared.

  Chapter Seven

  Chloe

  Am I evil or what? I had to introduce Jayson to Carlos because I knew exactly what his reaction would be. I don’t blame Carlos at all. Jayson IS a big 6’2” slice of man meat and I’ve got my fork and knife ready to go. And my bib, because Lord, this boy is fine! All joking aside, I really could see myself liking him and that scares me a lot. I don’t know what he would think or say if he finds out about my past. I can’t even comprehend telling him. I know if we are going to have anything together that I will have to do it.

  Shaking my head internally at my thoughts, I wonder why I keep thinking we are going to be together. This is supposed to be a simple study session but it feels like a date. I’m just going to go with it for now. Maybe we can just do something casual. Am I thinking with my hormones today or what? I’m thinking about casual sex with Jayson and that’s a laugh because I’m probably the last college aged virgin alive.

  Right before I get to our table, I see Jayson looking at me with a sweet smile on his face. He stands up and pulls out the chair next to him.

  “Here you go. I thought you would want to sit next to me so we can get some work done. With Connor here, it might get a little loud.”

  I say, “Sure” and then of course, I blush.

  Why do I have to freaking blush every time he talks to me? It’s like a sign that says circus freak: last virgin on the planet. I push those thoughts aside and turn to him.

  “That’s great. I’ve got some ideas that might be good for our project. But, I want to hear what your ideas are as well.”

  His mouth starts twitching and I realize the jerk is laughing at me! “Are you laughing at me” I almost growl? He doesn’t know it, but that is a major peeve for me. It makes me feel like I’m completely out of control when it happens.

  At this point, he laughs a true belly laugh and says, “Put your claws away, tiger. I just thought it was funny that you might be willing to consider a country boy’s ideas when it concerns your grade.”

  I don’t get his point. “How do you know that I think you are a country boy and what does that have to do with it?”

  He winks at me and then I know he is just yanking my chain. Well, two can play this game. I lean in really close to his ear and say, “I love country boys so I’m ready to hear anything you have to say.”

  Ha ha, that worked because he looks like he is ready to tackle me to the ground. He laughs again and winks at me. “So you like to play with fire, huh? Ok, that works for me.” Then he leans in really close and says with his lips touching my ear, “I love sweet princesses and I can tell you’re one, so this is going to work out really well for me.”

  Well crap, I guess he won that one since I’m about to combust and he is just sitting there stuffing his face. Still, I’m not completely out of the fight, so I slap him on the shoulder and say, “Whatever!” Just then I notice we have an audience. #2 is laughing at us and Madison looks like she won the lottery. I know it’s going to be a long night because she is going to want to know everything that was said and analyze it to death. Speaking of death, we have a project that isn’t going to get itself done, so I take out my tablet and get ready to type.

  The one thing I am good at is my schoolwork. It centers me, especially when I feel out of my element. Hmm, I think I might be a little bit of a control freak. But, it helps me get good grades so I’m not complaining.

  I ignore Connor and Madison and ask Jayson for his ideas on our presentation. He mentions that he wants to be an ER doctor and that he thinks it would be a good idea to profile various situations in which a person is told of their family member’s sudden death. Then he says he also thinks it would be good to include a variety of ages and their reactions. Finally, he says maybe we could spend some time at the hospital observing these situations and how people process grief.

  OK, he is really smart. Obviously, there is more to him than just a pretty face. This blows my idea out of the water. So, I wink at him this time and say, “Sounds good, country boy, let’s do it.”

  He looks really confused and asks, “Don’t you want to tell me your idea?”

  No, I do not because compared to him its crap and it hits too close to home. In fact, as I sit and think about what he is proposing, the memories overwhelm me and I feel myself beginning to lose it.

  Clenching my fists under the table, I try to blink back tears and tell him, “No, your idea is good. I think it would be a great idea for both of our intended professions.” I immediately lower my head so he can’t see my tears. “I’ll be back.”

  I rush to the bathroom praying he doesn’t follow and that he didn’t see me crying. Just like this morning, I am standing in front of a bathroom sink and I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t believe what I’ve done and now I know there is no way I can be around him. I make up my mind to tell him to find another study partner as soon as I get back to the table.

  The door flies open to the restroom and Madison rushes in. Like the great friend that she is, I don’t have to explain myself to her; she just wraps me up in a hug and lets me cry.

  After my ugly crying stops, she looks at me and says, “I heard what y’all were talking about. Why are you taking that class?”

  I shrug my shoulders and look away. “It’s one of the classes in my program and I just wanted to get it over with.” I try to sound flippant, but it doesn’t work on the one person that knows me better th
an anyone else.

  Sighing, she says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Chloe. This class and project are going to bring up issues that you can’t or won’t deal with. Maybe after you have worked through everything, you can try again. I think you need to drop the class. You obviously aren’t handling it very well.”

  I’m about to agree with her and then the little thought that I probably wouldn’t see Jayson again sneaks in and that makes me extraordinarily sad. On the other hand, I know I need to deal with this head on because I can’t spend my time crying in bathrooms. This class might be my chance to get some closure.

  “No, I’m sticking with it. Let’s go back to the table,” I tell her. She doesn’t say anything, but I can feel her disapproval, which she knows I hate.

  When we get back to the table, both Jayson and Connor look worried and the atmosphere is strained at best. I don’t want to deal with this right now so I don’t look at them when I speak.

  “I had an eyelash under my contact…it made my eyes water.”

  Neither looks like they believe me and I hear Connor say something under his breath.

  “What was that, #2,” I ask him with a sharp tone in my voice.

  He seems surprised that I called him out, but he winks at me and says, “I didn’t say anything, sweetheart.”

  “Oh, good lord, can you quit with the winking and calling me sweetheart?” I snap back at him.

  But he just laughs at me and looks at his brother. “Looks like your little bit has some claws…might be fun, you know?” They laugh and I am ready to explode. I think to myself that he isn’t just Jayson #2, he is #2 because he is full of shit!

  I’m not going to let him get under my skin. I know that I am trying hard to deflect attention from my crying because I don’t want to answer any questions. Then it occurs to me that maybe Connor is trying to deflect attention away from what happened as well. If that is what he is doing, I’m more grateful than I can say.

  I think Jayson knows this because he doesn’t make any comment except to jump right back in to our previous discussion. Determined to put it behind me, I quickly make the decision that I'm keeping him, and we continue working on our project without interruption while Connor and Madison laugh and talk.