To Live Again Read online

  I suddenly can’t get any air and I hear Laurie coaching me to breathe deeply. I follow her instructions and the room comes back into focus. But, now I wish I had passed out, because Detective Michael Snyder is reading me my rights. Way off in the distance, I hear the screaming again, until darkness overtakes me and finally there is blessed silence all around.

  Chapter One

  Chloe-Present Day

  I open my eyes at exactly 5:48 a.m. just as I do every morning. Frustrated, I sigh and wonder if I will ever sleep past this time. I have tried everything I know to make it happen: exercise, vitamin supplements, sleeping masks, sleeping pills, but no dice. I’m beginning to think there isn’t anything that can fix my problem.

  My mind whispers to me that this isn’t a physical problem and that’s why nothing is working. I ignore those whispers because I know it’s true, but it’s not something I can accept at the moment.

  Getting out of bed, I avoid looking in the mirror because I just don’t want to see my face. If I do, I might have to admit the truth, which is that I know exactly why I can’t sleep. No rest for the wicked, right? Or at least that’s what my granny used to say. I used to brush off all her little sayings, but now I wonder if she isn’t as crazy as everyone thinks. Thinking of her makes my heart ache…I miss her so much…but having dementia has stolen her from me; the one person who would have actually cared

  Now, back to her concept of rest vs the wicked, if she’s right, then I won’t ever get any rest. After all, I’m possibly the world’s worst offender. With that bleak thought, I avoid the mirror for as long as possible and try to go about my daily routine.

  Just as I am about to get my clothes out of my closet, my door flies open and my best friend, Madison, dances in. Yes, that’s right, she dances. I really hate cheerful people in the morning! I mean, what is so great about having to get up and face whatever crap the day decides to throw at me? But, Madison evidently sees things differently.

  She gives me a hug and says, “Hey chickadee, you’re already up!” She’s so cheerful that I want to throw something or maybe be a little mean.

  “Sorry,” I say in an extremely sarcastic tone, “I know your day sucks if you don’t get to wake me up.”

  Madison’s smile drops and she stares at me for a few seconds. This is just long enough that I really start to feel like crap; my problems aren’t her fault. She narrows her eyes at me and says “Sooo, I take it you’re being a total bitch this morning because your eyes popped open at 5:48?”

  Feeling very guilty because she’s my best friend and such a sweet person, I start to apologize for my behavior. “Maddie, I’m…”

  She cuts me off with a hurt look. “Chloe, don’t apologize. But, I am going to say it again, for the thousandth time, please talk to someone. I am really worried about you. I hear you tossing, turning, and mumbling in your sleep. This isn’t good for you physically or mentally. I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk, but since I know it’s not going to happen, I’m begging you again to get help somewhere from someone.” With that being said, she turns around and leaves before I can reply.

  I know she’s right; but I can’t do it. I deserve to be sleepless; if that’s my punishment, then I’ll just have to bear it. Hoping to put this morning’s drama behind me, I turn on my Spotify morning playlist; it’s my happy music that gets me going. I grab a couple of towels and washcloths from the linen closet and start my shower. I do all of this without ever looking in the mirror. I’m really becoming a pro at avoidance. I guess that’s just another black mark against me; can I be any more self-loathing and pathetic? I try to drown out my thoughts with the sounds of the music and the water, desperate to keep going without thinking, but I can’t help but notice the moisture on my face is not just the water from the shower.

  Chapter Two

  Jayson

  “Hey dude, get up!” I hear the sound of my very obnoxious twin brother’s voice along with the banging on my door.

  “I am up, asshole, so quit banging on my damn door,” I yell back at him.

  My brother instantly says, “Dude, I don’t want to hear about your junk being up!”

  Yeah, every morning we go through this routine. I think we both have it memorized. Connor might be a giant pain in my ass, but he’s also my twin, so I guess I kind of have to like him. Actually, even though we sometimes annoy the shit out of each other, there’s no question that we have each other’s back.

  I immediately jump out of bed and start getting ready for my day. Yes, I am a self-professed nerd; I love school, and even though I would never admit it out loud, going to school on the first day of a new semester secretly thrills me. I’ve always been like that even when I was a kid in grade school. Of course, I can never admit that to my brother or any of our friends. I can only imagine the hell they would give me for the rest of my life.

  As I take a shower and get ready for school, I wonder how this semester will go. I don’t know why, but I keep feeling this weird sense of anticipation. Connor would say I sound like a chick, but that’s his standard burn in the contest we’ve got going. I tell him it’s not very original, but that doesn’t seem to deter him at all. I realize I don’t have time to contemplate any of this; I still need to finish up, eat breakfast, and find my new classes.

  It’s a new semester at Rice University and I’m in my junior year as a Pre-Med student. At 23, this makes me one of the older students in the program. It also puts more pressure on me to stay focused so I try to take classes that will help me go farther in my career.

  Because I already have my core classes completed from my time in the engineering program with Connor and the overlap in program credits, I have some wiggle room with my electives, which is what my first class is. Being an ER doctor, I know I will have to tell people that their family or friends didn’t make it so I think taking Psychology 305: Death and Dying-Understanding the Grieving Process will be beneficial for me.

  I like getting to class early so I can find a seat close to the door near the front of the room. When I started college, I quickly figured out that if I was going to learn anything at all, I had to find a place toward the front of the class. That’s what led me to always sitting in the 1st row, 3rd seat in every class I take. I hate when it’s not available. I think about this while eating and wonder if I might be a little OCD. I bet Connor would say yes to that because I am constantly on him to pick up his crap around our house.

  I hate that I sound like the fun police and tell myself that I am going to quit being so serious all the time. I wasn’t always like this. At one point, all I wanted was: girls, alcohol, and going to parties. Last year, when we had a friend get messed up in an auto accident, I did a 180 degree change. Now, I’m thinking I went a little too far…I don’t want to go back to the way I was, but I need to have some fun. Yeah, my bro’s going to love this! It’s been a long time since we were the “double trouble” brothers.

  As I get in my truck and drive to school, I wonder why all the introspection today. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Dr.Phil since it’s always on in the ER waiting room at the hospital where I work. That weird feeling starts up again and I tell myself that nothing is going to happen. But as I am driving, my stomach tightens and it's evident that the feeling isn’t going away. It doesn’t matter because whatever it is, I’m going to face it head on like anything else I do.

  Chapter Three

  Chloe

  After getting out of the shower, I finish my morning routine. Taking in a breath, I know it’s time. I have to look in the mirror to check my appearance before I can leave the bathroom. I slowly raise my head and look, hoping that I can do it quickly without really having to notice my eyes. But, as usual, I stare into my reflection for a moment. I see the dark circles and notice that my violet eyes look the way they usually do, like I have no soul, because really I don’t; not anymore.

  I know there is nothing I can do to change it, so I turn around and leave the bathroom and go off to start another
new semester at Rice University. Pulling into the student parking lot, I find a place to park. I breathe deeply, relax my face muscles, and pull on the smiling mask that everyone expects of me and go looking for my class.

  I am double majoring in Sociology and Psychology since I hope to become a social worker. Because of this, I am always looking to take classes that will help me understand what people are going through and how they react to dire situations. My first class on my new schedule will definitely help with that. It’s called Psychology 305: Death and Dying-Understanding the Grieving Process.

  As I make my way across the parking lot, it occurs to me that it’s sort of ironic that I’m taking this class. Maybe I will get some insight into myself and finally some closure. Yeah right, and maybe I will sleep until 5:50 in the morning. Shaking my head in disgust, I square my shoulders and open the door, looking for my favorite seat…1st row, 3rd seat, closest to the door.

  Immediately, I see it is already taken by a very large, very beautiful boy. Holy hell and hotness! He’s so gorgeous, but he is in my seat, so hot or not, he’s going to have to move it. If he doesn’t, at least I will have had a chance to talk to him and look at him; yeah, I’m so objectifying him right now. I bet feminism just slid back a couple of centuries, but surely women everywhere will understand when they get a load of what I’m seeing!

  Even so, I walk up to his desk and as he looks up at me, I see the most gorgeous green eyes and black hair. Green eyes are my weakness and he is certainly no exception. I am standing there just staring at him so I know I have to act like I’m not affected by him at all. It’s kind of written in the girl code handbook that we can’t let hot guys know how they affect us, right?

  Keeping this in mind, I look at him and say, “Excuse me, you’re in my seat.”

  He laughs and says, “No sweetheart, I’m in my seat.”

  I roll my eyes and move to the next seat over. A few seconds later, he taps me on the shoulder and says, “Hey, I’m Jayson or Jase, which ever you would like to call me.”

  I glare at him and ask, “So? What makes you think I am going to call you anything?” He just winks at me and smiles a devastating smile. “If you want this seat, the price is introducing yourself.”

  Feeling like something big is happening, I reach out my hand and say, “Hi, I’m Chloe Schaeffer.”

  As our hands touch, I feel a spark of electricity and we both look at each other in a shocked way. We sit there for a second, staring at each other, with clasped hands. Jerking my hand back, I stand and wait as he gets up to exchange seats with me while feeling a little bad that I made such a big deal about a desk.

  When he stands up, I look up at him and it’s a long way up there! He has black hair that looks like he either ran his hands through it a bunch of times or he just naturally has that sexy fall out of bed look. You know the kind people pay stylists a ton of money to get? Not to mention the green eyes, I know I already did, but God can you blame me?

  I keep ogling him and the view just gets better and better. He has on a RU t-shirt and faded jeans that fit him just right paired with black Harley boots. But the best thing of all is his mouth. His lips are full and gorgeous and look like they’re made for sinning and I definitely want to be the first to fall from grace! I snap back to myself when I see him just standing there. I think he is secretly laughing at me so now I don’t feel so bad about stealing his seat.

  The professor comes into the room and as he begins droning on and on about death, I keep sneaking peeks over at my sexy neighbor and C-R-A-P, crap, he just caught me checking him out! He looks back at me and winks. I immediately blush and look away and it hits me that for a moment, I forgot the hell that is my life.

  Chapter Four

  Jayson

  The door opens and I look up to see a smoking hot girl coming my way. I immediately sit up straighter to catch a better look. All I can think is “Holy Shit!” She’s small, about 5’2”, but has curves that are made just for my hands. As she gets closer to me, I can see that her hair is dark brown and curly, one of the things I love on a girl.

  She walks right up to me and says in a sassy tone, “Excuse me, you’re in my seat.”

  I can’t help but smirk at her because I think there is someone else like me that is obsessing over a chair in a classroom. I tease her a bit, which pisses her off, but then decide I’ll change seats if she gives up her name. That gets a reaction right away and she reaches over and introduces herself.

  Shaking her hand, I feel a shock, and I can’t help but stare at this beautiful girl. It startles me so I’m a little bit off my game. When we stand up to change seats, I see that she only comes up to my chest. It makes me feel very protective of her; I don’t know her at all, so why am I having these feelings? I also can’t help but notice in addition to her beautiful face, she has a body that would make a man sit up and beg for a chance.

  After we change seats, I catch her staring at me and I can tell that I’m not the only one that’s affected, so I wink at her, which makes her blush. Man, I could get lost in those eyes. I don’t think I have ever seen violet eyes before. I make myself pay attention to the professor, but I’m very aware that Miss Chloe Schaeffer is sitting next to me.

  It’s been a long time since I’ve been affected by a girl to this degree, if ever. Granted, we have only spoken a few sentences to each other, but I find myself wanting to get to know her. And not just because she’s hot, I mean that helps, but I’m not a jerk who’s just about appearances. It was that shock I felt and the look in her eyes that has me wanting to know more.

  Since it’s the first day of class, we finish up early. The professor only kept us long enough to hand out the syllabus and go over it. Right before we leave, he mentions that our final assignment is a presentation and that we need to choose a partner before the next class.

  Without hesitating, I tap my new neighbor on the shoulder and ask, “Would you like to partner with me?”

  I see a myriad of emotions come across her face including what looks like fear. But, just as quickly she says, “Yes that would be great. What’s your major and how would you like to approach the project?”

  Seeing an opening to get to know her, I ask, “Why don’t we talk about it over lunch? Or do you have classes during lunch time?”

  We quickly compare schedules and see that my class is over at 12:15 PM and she is done at 12:45. On our way to our next classes, I volunteer to meet her at her car and drive over to the restaurant, Chipotle, where we can make plans for our project. I’m surprised that she agrees to go without a fuss. I remember her glaring at me in class and I thought she might not like me asking her to lunch, but she seems to want to go. I’m not going to question it because I have a feeling that this girl would talk herself out of it if pressed too hard.

  We part ways in the Commons area and I move on to my next class. While listening to the lecture in Biochemistry, I let my mind wander. I know this isn’t the best tactic, but I have a record button on my cell phone, which will give me the chance to listen to it later. My mind is full of Chloe and its freaking me out a little. I don’t even know her, but I have to admit she’s definitely under my skin. It’s not just the pretty package; there’s something in her eyes that keeps drawing me in. It feels strange being so twisted up about a girl, especially one that I’ve known less than a few hours.

  Chapter Five

  Chloe

  Here I am, sitting in my next class, and am I listening to the professor? No, as in N-O. I couldn’t even tell you what he is saying or what the subject is. All I can think about is Jayson and the fact that I am going to be eating with him if this class will ever end. And to top it off, I am going to Chipotle. Chipotle’s and Jayson…SCORE! Yes, I have a little bit of an obsession with that place and now maybe a little one with him as well.

  While I am thinking of the yummy hottie that will soon be with me, other thoughts start to seep in. What will he think of me when he finds out what a horrible person I am? Should I tell h
im now before he finds out on his own? What the hell am I thinking? He’s my study/presentation partner…that’s it!!

  This isn’t a relationship and I don’t have to confess my sins to him. Just because I think he is lickalicious doesn’t mean I have to bare my soul to him. Although I wouldn’t mind baring something else…shut it down, Chloe, NOW!! I can almost hear my voice screaming out loud instead of just in my head. This is why I don’t have relationships, guy friends, and almost no contact at all with the opposite sex. I can’t afford to become attached. I don’t want to have to explain my past or have it affect someone I am with.

  I mean, look at me. We aren’t even together and I have been obsessing over him all class long. I don’t know what I have to do for this class, I’m sick over what he might find out about me, and I’m also picking at my nails. If that’s not evidence enough that he isn’t for me or more importantly, I’m not for him, then I don’t know what is. So, I’ll just look at the pretty package, study with him, and then move on. He probably has a girlfriend anyway or is the worst player in the world. Or maybe he’s a peeping tom. There has to be something wrong with this guy! There has to be, because if there isn’t, then I am screwed, and not in the fun way.

  Finally, the class is over and as I am packing my school bag, the phone rings.