To Live Again Page 4

  Chapter Eight

  Jayson

  I’m not sure what just happened with Chloe, but I can see she is struggling to hold it together as she runs to the bathroom. I look at Madison, but she just shakes her head no and follows Chloe. I think back over our conversation and I can’t pinpoint anything that I said that would warrant this type of reaction.

  Looking over at my brother, I wonder why he isn’t saying anything because he has a look on his face that says he has plenty to say. In a un-Connor like moment, he says, “I think she’s got a lot going on. Are you sure you are up for this?”

  I haven’t even said I like her so I just answer like I don’t care. “Up for what? We’re just study partners.”

  He raises his eyebrows at me and says, “Study partners, huh? So I guess it’s ok to ask her out?”

  I can feel rage rushing through me. I can’t fucking believe this! He has been sitting here practically eye-humping Madison and he is talking about taking Chloe out. And all while she has been sitting here with me!

  I open my mouth to let him have it, but he shakes his head and laughs. “Dude, if you could see your face right now. It is blood red. You look like you are about to fuck me up.”

  Then I realize that he is playing me, so I relax my fists that were about to connect with his face. I flip him off which has no effect at all.

  “Study partners? I don’t think so.” Then in one of the most serious voices I have ever heard him use, he says, “You need to watch it. I have a feeling there is something serious going on with her. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  I tell him I will be careful and then our moment is over. With his usual cockiness, he grins at me. “If you change your mind, I’m packing enough for little bit and Madison.”

  This time, I reach over and slap the back of his head and tell him to grow up. Also, I let him know that I am uninterested in hearing how much he has. Of course, the fool pats me on the back and says I’m jealous he got all the goods. Are we really related? Yes, I guess so, since that’s my face looking at me and laughing.

  When Madison and Chloe get back to the table, I want to ask her so badly what happened, but she looks like she is ready to freak out so I just continue talking about our project. Of course, Connor can’t leave well enough alone and mutters something under his breath, but she puts him in his place quickly. Right away, I’m glad I didn’t say anything. I can tell she is embarrassed and I don’t want to put her in a bad position in front of us or her best friend.

  The rest of lunch and our study session goes smoothly and I think we will make a great team. That’s good, because as much as I like her, I still need a good grade. I have to keep my grades as close to perfect as possible so I can get in the med school of my choice, which is Baylor College of Medicine. There is a lot of competition to be accepted into the joint program of the Rice/Baylor Medical Scholars Program and I can’t afford to get distracted. Unfortunately, I think that’s a lost cause because right now I feel pretty fucking out of sorts. One thing for sure, I know she is skittish and I can’t move too fast or I will scare her away. I hate this feeling of not being in control…something I think she and I have in common.

  By the time we are all done eating, I know I have to get back to campus, though I really don’t want to. Its times like this that I wish I could be happy go lucky like Connor and not stress over missing a class, but that’s not me, so I tell them we need to go.

  While throwing away my trash and putting my tray away, Madison whispers, “Thanks” to me. I wonder what she means, but when I see her face, I know she means thanks for not asking Chloe what was wrong or drawing attention to the situation. I really wish I knew what happened. I don’t want to say the wrong thing again and upset her even though I can’t imagine what I said to start with. Maybe she had a family member die in a tragic situation or something like that. I guess I won’t know until she tells me, so I will have to be patient. Right now, I’m just glad that she is getting back in my truck and that we will have some time by ourselves.

  While driving back to school, I work up the nerve to ask her out again. Finally I ask, “What do you think about the karaoke bar, Chloe? Are you still interested?”

  She smiles shyly at me and says, “Yes, that sounds great to me. I love karaoke.” Knowing that I have a really cheesy grin on my face, I ask what night would be good for her. We decide on Friday night and I know it’s not going to get here fast enough. She starts licking her lip again and now I know it’s a nervous gesture because she keeps looking over at me.

  “Something on your mind, princess?”

  She really blushes then and asks, “Do you think Madison could come with us? And it’s fine if your brother wants to as well.”

  Though I would rather it be the two of us, I agree because I want her to be comfortable.

  We make it back to school and start heading to our classes when I remember our project. Seizing the opportunity to see her outside of school again, I ask, “Do you want to get together to study some more?”

  She nods and says, “Yeah that would be good. I can’t believe that our professor wants an outline for the paper and presentation at the next class.”

  I agree, but it gives me more time to spend with her, so I’m not complaining. Since I know she will feel better at home, I ask if it’s ok to come over to study.

  She looks grateful at my suggestion. "That’s fine with me. How about tomorrow evening? I can order a pizza or make something. What do you like to eat?"

  I laugh and say not to worry about it because I can eat anything.

  With a wink, she says "Good, now I can surprise you."

  By this time, I’m at my next class so I lean down and give her a hug goodbye. She tenses up at first and then relaxes into me. It feels like she fits into me perfectly and that we have done this before. I don’t want to let her go, but if I keep this up, I’m going to look like a creeper. I pull back and notice the blush is back; she really is adorable. I can’t believe I am thinking the word “adorable” but I am. This girl really does it for me.

  We make plans to meet at 6:00 PM the next evening and then I give her my number so she can text me directions. As she leaves, I yell down the hallway, “Use my number princess, so I can have yours, too.”

  She grins at me and keeps going, but I suddenly feel my back pocket buzzing and I know it’s her. I enter the classroom with a huge grin on my face and smiling wide enough for the deadbeats in the last row to see my back teeth.

  Chapter Nine

  Chloe

  Walking away from Jayson after that hug was like cutting off my own arm. When he leaned down to hug me, I froze up, but he smelled so good and was so warm, I couldn’t help but lean into him. I don’t know how I am going to keep him at an arm’s length and knowing that I really don’t want to makes it even harder to do so. Why couldn’t I just be normal and have no secrets or baggage other than what most people my age would have? One mistake on my part, coupled with the criminal intent of another has served to make my life a living hell. It has made me keep my distance from others except for Maddie and in the past I never wanted to get close to anyone.

  Now, after meeting Jayson, I realize I don’t want to keep my resolve to be alone. I want him and at the same time I don’t. Part of me wishes I never laid eyes on him, but the biggest part of me is extremely glad I did. So for now, I guess the only thing to do is to see what happens. I can’t worry about it right now because I have to get to class.

  Sitting through my American Lit class was murder. I mean, what social worker is going to use American Lit when counseling someone? I try to listen to the professor, but she is droning on and on about Edgar Allen Poe and his weird tendencies with his black cat. Her interpretation of "The Black Cat" is sexual in nature. I don’t know why she is bringing this up because it’s just disturbing. If you are that bad off, get a hooker or something or whatever they were called during that time period, not your cat. Can you say nasty? Ok, I’m officially grossed out and r
eady for this class to be over.

  Finally, the class ends and I walk to my car. I’m thinking I need to go to the Epicurean Market to get some ingredients for our dinner tomorrow night. With this thought, I feel my pulse accelerate, but I ignore it because I’ve decided to go with it for now. I don’t know if anything is even going to happen with us so I don’t see the need to freak out. In the back of my mind, my conscience whispers to me that I know exactly what is going to happen, but I’m the queen of avoidance today so I tell it to shut the hell up. As Carlos says, I have a “fine piece of man meat” that seems interested so I’m going to enjoy it for a little while.

  With that decision made, I get in my car and sing along to Bruno Mars’ “Talking to the Moon” who by the way is my fantasy baby daddy. Who could resist that voice? Not me, no way, no how. I wonder if Jayson sings. I hope so because I hate hearing people do karaoke when they suck. Even if he does, I’m going to have a good time. I’m going on my first real date and I am not going to obsess over my past. That’s my new mantra and I repeat it over the voice in my head. Yep, queen of avoidance, that’s my new middle name.

  Walking down the aisles of the market, I wonder what Jayson likes to eat. I don’t want to fix something he hates or thinks is stupid. Being from California, I think he might eat a little differently than I do. I’m not the biggest fan of steak, but this is Texas so I’m thinking that’s the way to go. I walk up to the meat counter and look at all the different cuts of meat. Thank goodness we had a southern cook at home and I know how to cook that way. I also got into her way of talking, like saying y’all, which is why a lot of people think I'm from here.

  Feeling completely lost, I know I need some help so I ask the guy next to me what he would like to eat if he had dinner being cooked for him. Right away he says ribeye steak and baked potato with asparagus. I thank him and he winks at me. I wink back, order my two steaks, and go off to look for the vegetables.

  On second thought, I get two more just in case Madison and Connor show up. I don’t know why they would or why I think they would be together, but I want to be prepared. I saw some major sparks flying between them and she hasn’t said a word about him. That’s why I know she likes him. If she didn’t or just wanted him for sex, she would be saying crazy stuff like she usually does. I can tell he is a player and if something happens with them, I hope he doesn’t hurt her. I love my Maddie and even though she acts tough, she has a soft heart, which is why she doesn’t let guys get too close.

  I wish I could be like that, but I’m not built that way. No, I’m here in the market spending a buttload of money to cook a dinner for a beautiful guy that makes my heart beat crazily. I don’t know why that makes me think of dessert, but it does. Well, maybe I do…Jayson makes me think of dessert anytime I look at him. Good grief, I’m a horn dog today!

  I decide to make brownies and top it off with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. I’m not thinking of Jayson and chocolate syrup together at all. The queen of avoidance is definitely in full court today so I shove this thought from my mind. Once I have all my ingredients, I get in line at the register and prepare to give them a portion of my life savings once I’m checked out. Sheesh, who in the world pays this much for food? I probably should have gone to Kroger, but I love the ambience of the Epicurean Market. It’s just one dinner so I think I might recover financially. I see the princess of sarcasm has joined her mother, the avoidance queen. Shaking my head at my crazy thoughts, I begin putting my bags in my car. I catch my image in the rearview mirror and I can’t quit smiling. Who knows, maybe my life is going to change?

  I get to our apartment and Madison is there watching TV. I was hoping to avoid this for a while, but I know what’s coming. Time to face the music and talk to my girl.

  “Hey, what are you watching?”

  Without looking at me, she says, “I dvr’d ‘Revolution’ because I knew there was no way I could watch it at night.”

  I decide this is perfect; I can distract her with her favorite show. “Is this episode a good one?”

  She rolls her eyes and says, “Yeah, nice try, Chloe. What is going on with you and sexy #2?”

  For a minute, I’m puzzled and then I realize what she means. “Um, I think you mean, sexy #1; Connor is #2.”

  She pauses the TV and says, “He is not; he was born first so that makes Jayson #2.”

  I don’t quite know how to answer her so I concentrate on putting up my groceries. But, like the little scrapper that she is, she doesn’t give up. Instead, she comes in the kitchen and stands there with her eyebrow arched and her hand on her hip. I know that there is no way out of this so I finish putting up the food and drag her into the living room.

  We sit down on the sofa and I say, “I don’t know what is going on with him. We met this morning in my Psych class and he was in my favorite seat.”

  She cracks up because she knows how crazy I am about that particular desk. I try to act mad and yell, “Shut up, skank!” She keeps laughing, but suddenly gets serious when she sees my face. I twist my hands in my lap and look down. “Honestly, Maddie, I’m freaking out. I don’t know what he wants. He has acted interested from the beginning, but you know I can’t have a relationship.”

  At this, she scowls and asks, “Why the hell not?”

  I roll my eyes at her question because we have had this conversation before. “You know exactly why the hell not. Oh, Jayson, do you want to be my boyfriend? I have so many endearing qualities. My parents disowned me, I’m riddled with guilt and can’t sleep, and by the way, I’m a murd…”

  Before I can finish my sentence, she punches me in the arm and yells, “SHUT UP, CHLOE! I don’t want to hear that shit again!”

  I’m so shocked I can’t get my mouth to move. Realizing, I’m not going to agree, she throws up her hands and runs to her room. I hear the door slam and it makes me feel like the lowest form of shit. I know how she feels about my situation and that was definitely the wrong thing to say. Sometimes I forget how my self-loathing upsets her; yeah, I’m self-absorbed. I want to go to her, but I know that isn’t the right thing to do. So, I get in bed and try to get some sleep because I can’t deal with all of this emotion. I just want to snuggle in my down comforter and think of beautiful green eyes. Like Scarlet O’Hara, I’ll think about it tomorrow.

  Chapter Ten

  Madison

  Once I’m in my bedroom, I let the tears run down my face. I can’t stand the way Chloe talks about her past. I know she is hurting, but someday she has to let it go and forgive herself. I can’t believe she thinks she is going to be alone forever. Her sleeping patterns are getting worse and without concealer, you can see the dark circles under her eyes. I’m really worried, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sworn to secrecy and there is no way I am going to betray that trust.

  For the first time in a long time, I say a prayer asking for Jayson to be a good thing for her. I can tell he really likes her and I hope that he will give her a chance to explain what happened. I don’t know why Chloe can’t see it, but she was victimized. Instead she takes all of the blame on herself. All I can say is that if she and Jayson move forward, he better be a standup guy or I’m kicking his ass!

  Speaking of his ass, I think of his twin, Connor. Oh my! I could bounce a quarter on that ass. He is so freaking sexy, but I know his type. That’s ok, because I am the female version of him. Maybe we could just use each other for sex for a little while. Yes, I know that sounds slutty, but it’s better than the alternative. No way am I letting some guy get close to me to hurt me. I saw too much of that growing up with my mom. I tried to have a serious relationship once and all I can say is, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and it was awful.

  As I lay here listening to my iPod, I wonder what it might be like to have someone close and steady again. I snort out loud because that is the complete opposite of Connor Reece. I’ll be lucky if he remembers my name tomorrow. I’ll bet he has a phone full of numbers just waiting for him to call.
Stupid sluts! Oh wait, that’s me. Well, it seems like my best friend’s loathing has rubbed off on me. Whatever, that’s not me! He would be lucky if I looked his way. I’ll just admire him like a pretty painting or a centerfold in a magazine…yep, that fits him perfectly!

  Chapter Eleven

  Chloe

  I sit up in my bed with my heart beating a mile a minute. The memories from that night are forever ingrained in my memory…I know I will never be rid of them. I don’t want to look at the clock, but I do, and there it is: 5:48 a.m. I put my pillow over my face and let out a scream. I’m so sick of this and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not going to school today. I just can’t face people right now. With that thought, I roll over and stare at the wall because I knohw sleep isn’t coming my way. I start to zone out with thoughts of Jayson when my door flies open.

  “Chloe, are you still asleep?” I hear Madison whisper.

  I rub my eyes and sigh. “No, I’m not.” I hear her sigh as well and she asks, “So 5:48 again?”

  With tears in my eyes and my throat trying to close up, I don’t answer.

  Silence hangs between us until she asks, “Are you getting up? You’re going to be late.”

  I tell her I’m not going and suddenly the covers are jerked off of me. I want to yell at her, but I don’t feel like expending the energy. Instead, she yells at me to get up and get in the shower before she kicks my ass. I snicker to myself as I get up because she knows I can take her in a minute.

  Though I know I need to, I don’t want to go to school today, but I don’t feel like fighting her either. So I make my way into the bathroom and do my usual routine of avoiding the mirror. Of course, I catch a glance of myself and it is not pretty! My face looks gaunt and dark circles are under my eyes.